Aint gonna lie

Having twins is not easy. It's very straining on every area of my life. I have come to realize that there will not be a day that goes as planned, there will not be a day that goes smoothly, and there will not be a relaxing day for awhile.

My heart hurts for Blake and I hope he doesn't feel the everyday stress I feel. I want to hear him laugh, smile, see him run around and enjoy being home with mommy and the babies. I try to spend time with him and play with him, but my energy is spent so much on the twins.

I wish there was a shot that I could give myself to give me two extra arms and two extra hands.

Now that the twins are older it's actually harder. They fuss more, they are awake more, they just plain old need more! I am trying to learn how to manage all of this, but am afraid I am failing daily.

I was once told by another mom of multiples that you will look back a these years with the twins and a toddler and think that you did all you could to just survive. I can totally see that to be true right now.

Not into blogging but....

To blog takes so much energy out of me right now. I feel like I need reserve every ounce I have for the children. However, today is a special day where I need to blog.

Today is my dad's 56th birthday. I am so grateful that God hand picked him to be my father for the past 31 1/2 years. My dad has always done so much for his family. I can think of millions of things he has done for me, his second eldest daughter. Something he did for me that has had a lasting impact was when I had my miscarriage a year ago. I called Bethany balling and couldn't breath I was crying so hard. Jason was unable to get home quickly, so Bethany called my dad. Within minutes he knocked on my door. When I opened it for him to come in, he just held me and said, "Honey,I don't understand but I know that He gives and takes away" His simple jester of a hug and simple statement of encouragement brought such peace. I will never forget my dad staying with me that day til someone could come and take care of me. He just sat on the floor with Blake and played with him and was such a calming presence that day.

I love remembering the last day I was teaching before I had Blake. There was a knock on my classroom door. I opened it up and there was my dad standing at the door with flowers and he says, " I thought your last day of teaching would be hard for you so I brought you some flowers to brighten your day" He was so thoughtful and encouraging once again.

Honestly, I could go on and on about how my dad has been such an influential man in my life and constantly gave to me in many ways. On his birthday today I pray his gift would be peace and hope during this time. That somehow the Holy Spirit would give him a hope that he can and will make it through this hard trial. Praying he can tangibly feel God's presence in his room!!!! Happy Birthday to an amazing father!

Still waiting

Dad is still sick and has been at Northwestern for ten days now....several of those spent in ICU to regulate his blood pressure. This is has been going on now for two months not knowing "exactly" what dad has. Dr goes back and forth glioma not glioma. Poor dad has been pricked and poked so many times with ct scans and blood tests up the wazoo. I am getting very anxious and weary in waiting for them to find a definite diagnosis and then a plan of action in how to make him better. In talking to someone yesterday, I realize that God knows....he knows exactly what my dad has and the exact remedy to make him better. I have been having a hard time that in an instant God can reveal to the dr what has been giving my dad trouble the past two months, yet God has not chosen to do so. God can also, like in the Bible heal someone in just a snap of a finger, yet he hasn't chosen to do so. I have to in what I have been raised to know and what I have also been seen to be true in my own life, trust beyond my understanding. That right now is the biggest battle I am facing. I do know, like in the past, the Lord will not let me down. Whatever the outcome may be, he has during this trial shown us blessings along this hard journey.

This isn't the reason I came in

Wednesday night April 13, 2011 I went downstairs because I was feeling sick to my stomach. I told Jason I felt like I was going to throw up and decided to eat some pretzels to settle my tummy. I went to bed and later that night I was up every hour or so using the potty. I felt so weak and achy and felt like I had the flu. I woke Jason up at around five and asked if he could take off work so that I could rest. I honestly didn't feel like I could take care of Blake the rest of the day. I also decided at five that morning to call the OB. I wanted to know at what point should I be worried that I am not keeping anything in my stomach. The OB said that I should go to labor and delivery and be treated for dehydration. I decided that I would take a warm shower and drink some water. If after drinking the water I got sick of any sorts I would go to the hospital. Sure enough an hour after drinking the water, I threw up six times in a row. I showered again, and layed on the couch. At seven that morning I called Richie to see if he could stay with Blake while I went to the hospital. I already had a sitter that day for a dr. appointment so I knew Rich wouldn't have to stay with Blake long.

Jason went to a mandatory meeting he had for his new job and I checked myself into labor and delivery. I brought a couple books with me to read and was ready to have an IV put in me for fluids.

When I checked in to LD, the nurses were so nice. They took great care of me. They didn't give me fluids right away, but they did hook me up to a monitor to keep track of babies heart rates and my contractions.

I felt more contractions and I felt them lasting longer. The nurses did an internal and realized I was 30% effaced and 1.5 cm dilated. When I heard that I cried. I had never been dilated or effaced before and so I got scared. Before I knew it, I had auntie and grandma b with me in the hospital. Bethany called them because she didn't want me at the hospital by myself. All along, we all thought I was going to be treated for dehydration and was going to be let go.

I had originally had that day an appointment with maternal fetal medicine. So I kept that appointment at the hospital. They wheeled me into my ultrasound on the hospital bed (by this time I had IVs) and they looked at an ultrasound of the babies. I really thought that since a month ago the babies weighed 4 pounds each about that by now a month later they would be almost six pounds. As the tech was looking at the pic of babies I asked, how are they looking. She said their weights were four pounds two ounces and four pounds twelve ounces. I was shocked! I was so worried, in a month it didn't seem they grew very much. I asked her then if I was showing that the babies were measuring 36 weeks since I was 36 wks and 2 days. Her response was I'll let the dr. talk to you. Of course my mind went to all the bad places and it felt like forever before the dr. came into talk to us. With my grandma and aunt sitting with me, the dr began to tell me that he thinks the babies will do better if they were out of me vs. staying in. He said with me having contractions and based on their growth it would be best to take the babies. I looked at him and asked how likely is it that I would go home tonight, he said you prob won't be going home. It broke my heart that I didn't get to give Blake a hug and kiss goodbye before I was about to have these babies.

It didn't really register that I was having these little ones. It took my aunt and grandma being very blunt with me saying, "Sharon you are having your babies in a few hours" I didn't believe it! I came to the hospital because I was dehydrated, not because I was going to have the twins.
The dr. proceeded to tell me that I should be prepared for them to spend some time in the NICU. The babies would be there because they would need to learn how to feed and gain some weight. I should expect the twins to be some of the biggest babies in there, and that they wouldn't have to be there for long.
I began to ask the dr. tons of questions: how many people allowed in the NICU...how often can I go up there....what are the hours that it's opened..exc. I had to prepare myself that they were not going to be able to be held by family or us right after birth. My goal all along in my pregnancy was to deliver after 36 weeks and for all of us to go home together without spending time in NICU.

After the dr. told me I was going to have the babies in a few hours and to expect them to be in NICU a rush of emotion came over me. I wanted Jason at the hospital and I wanted to kiss and hold Blake.

I couldn't have those to right away, but my grandma, aunt, and nurses were so comforting as I began to process I was going to soon be a mother of three before the night ended.

As I was wheeled back into LD room, soon my mom came to see me and I got a hold of Jason. The nurses were preparing me for deliver of the babies at 2;30 that afternoon and Jason got to the hospital around 1:30 or so. Richie and Auntie Re' stayed with Blake while Jason came and sat with me. Auntie Denise went back home and grandma and mom waited in the waiting room for the rest of the family to arrive.

I began to get questioned and introduced to those who would be in the delivery room with me for my csection. I found out the dr. delivering the babies was my least favorite dr. I began to get very sad when I heard it was him that was going to deliver the babies. I was excited though that the nurses that would be in the delivery room were ones I was comfortable with. I knew one nurse from maternal fetal medicine, and another nurse decided to stay longer after her shift to be in the room with me for my c-section.

Continue Part 2 later!

36 weeks

Today I went to my OB appointment in which I just have one more left before the little ones arrive. I measured 45 weeks along and tomorrow they will confirm my c-section date. I had a crazy dream....really the only pregnancy related dream my whole pregnancy thus far. I had a dream that I had my c-section, but only one baby was taken out...Reid. The sewed me back up, sent me back home to recover. As I was recovering at home I felt some kicks and realized Tatum was still in my belly. We had to go back to CDH and they had to do another c-section to take Tatum out...wonder what this dream means. Interpret for me someone!

I know my family is so anxious to meet these little ones. I know they are looking to them to bring some joy and happiness to such a hard time in our lives. I am praying that these two will be easy babies....healthy....sleep through the night...eat well...play well..poop well...and not be stressful!

Enjoyable

I can't lie, the first day that my dad was brought home from the hospital it was very hard. It was hard to see him with a walker and hard to see what my family's new reality is going to be.

There has been some stressful times, but tonight was such a blessing. I was able to sit at the table and on the couch and just visit with my family. Laughing about old times, talking about sports, and just being in one another's presence was awesome! I love these moments. For a second I felt like my dad wasn't sick and we were back to what life should be like.

Lately, I feel and have prayed that I know God can heal my dad, I just hope he chooses to.

Doesn't seem real

Life doesn't seem to be real right now....in fact I wish it wasn't. I wish what is unfolding in front of me was just a movie or nightmare. Unfortunately though it's not. I debated about journaling of my dad's battle with cancer, but feel as though it will be good for me to get what I am feeling out in the open.

I hate to add this phrase to my vocabulary, "my dad has cancer" It doesn't seem real, it shouldn't be happening to my family.

However every time I walk into that hospital room and see my dad laying there, it's reality that he is battling inoperable cancer. This week has been very hard and one that I never wanted to walk through.

Although it's been hard, the Lord has chosen to at moments come close and reassure me of his presence.

It's amazing to me that amidst all that my father has going on with his illness, he is the one cracking jokes and making everyone else laugh in the room. He is smiling and is always talking about us kids and our mom. He has never ever been about himself.

As I think about the road that is ahead of us and the changes that will occur, it's very hard to process.

I have had the privilege to live close to my family and be able to go there once aweek with Blake. Pop Pop would always watch TV with Blake in his chair and eat Cheez Its. It was their thing they did together. Then everytime we would leave, my dad would put Blake in the car and run with the car as I drove away....Blake would get the biggest laugh out of it. Sitting with them in Saturday night church was awesome. I always feel so blessed to sit side by side with my family in the church I grew up in. Blake would always want pop pop to hold him and then pick him up from class. I know these are little tings, but some of them are going to change.

I try to think of blessings through all of this and I can think that at least my dad will be able to finally rest. He has always worked hard labor jobs for money and just to volunteer. It's his turn to rest and for others to serve him. I am glad that in two weeks he will be able to hold his new grandson and granddaughter. It will be something very special for him and for me.

My dad has been my rock (first one at my door when my miscarriage happened), such a servant, sensitive to my needs, and very giving, eager to do any odd stuff around my house. I am anxious to see how God in return is that to Him and now as an adult I can be that to him as well.