36 weeks

Today I went to my OB appointment in which I just have one more left before the little ones arrive. I measured 45 weeks along and tomorrow they will confirm my c-section date. I had a crazy dream....really the only pregnancy related dream my whole pregnancy thus far. I had a dream that I had my c-section, but only one baby was taken out...Reid. The sewed me back up, sent me back home to recover. As I was recovering at home I felt some kicks and realized Tatum was still in my belly. We had to go back to CDH and they had to do another c-section to take Tatum out...wonder what this dream means. Interpret for me someone!

I know my family is so anxious to meet these little ones. I know they are looking to them to bring some joy and happiness to such a hard time in our lives. I am praying that these two will be easy babies....healthy....sleep through the night...eat well...play well..poop well...and not be stressful!

Enjoyable

I can't lie, the first day that my dad was brought home from the hospital it was very hard. It was hard to see him with a walker and hard to see what my family's new reality is going to be.

There has been some stressful times, but tonight was such a blessing. I was able to sit at the table and on the couch and just visit with my family. Laughing about old times, talking about sports, and just being in one another's presence was awesome! I love these moments. For a second I felt like my dad wasn't sick and we were back to what life should be like.

Lately, I feel and have prayed that I know God can heal my dad, I just hope he chooses to.

Doesn't seem real

Life doesn't seem to be real right now....in fact I wish it wasn't. I wish what is unfolding in front of me was just a movie or nightmare. Unfortunately though it's not. I debated about journaling of my dad's battle with cancer, but feel as though it will be good for me to get what I am feeling out in the open.

I hate to add this phrase to my vocabulary, "my dad has cancer" It doesn't seem real, it shouldn't be happening to my family.

However every time I walk into that hospital room and see my dad laying there, it's reality that he is battling inoperable cancer. This week has been very hard and one that I never wanted to walk through.

Although it's been hard, the Lord has chosen to at moments come close and reassure me of his presence.

It's amazing to me that amidst all that my father has going on with his illness, he is the one cracking jokes and making everyone else laugh in the room. He is smiling and is always talking about us kids and our mom. He has never ever been about himself.

As I think about the road that is ahead of us and the changes that will occur, it's very hard to process.

I have had the privilege to live close to my family and be able to go there once aweek with Blake. Pop Pop would always watch TV with Blake in his chair and eat Cheez Its. It was their thing they did together. Then everytime we would leave, my dad would put Blake in the car and run with the car as I drove away....Blake would get the biggest laugh out of it. Sitting with them in Saturday night church was awesome. I always feel so blessed to sit side by side with my family in the church I grew up in. Blake would always want pop pop to hold him and then pick him up from class. I know these are little tings, but some of them are going to change.

I try to think of blessings through all of this and I can think that at least my dad will be able to finally rest. He has always worked hard labor jobs for money and just to volunteer. It's his turn to rest and for others to serve him. I am glad that in two weeks he will be able to hold his new grandson and granddaughter. It will be something very special for him and for me.

My dad has been my rock (first one at my door when my miscarriage happened), such a servant, sensitive to my needs, and very giving, eager to do any odd stuff around my house. I am anxious to see how God in return is that to Him and now as an adult I can be that to him as well.

Today let the fight begin

We were informed that my dad has a malignant tumor on his brain stem. We will find out tomorrow if there is more cancer anywhere else in his body. This is crazy to be going through right now, and I can't go into detail about how things unfolded because I just am in shock still. My dad is a fighter, has always been a hard worker, and with God on his side right now...together they will fight to beat this!

The Waiting Room

My dad has been in the hospital for several days now. I have gone to see him twice a day and have been able to spend some time with him.

Last night, we were all in the waiting room waiting for him to get out of the MRI. I looked around and it was everyone that I love dearly and are a huge support system to me.

I noticed though that I didn't have my support there that I have had my whole life. The strong callused hands to put around me, laugh with me, tell jokes with me. He wasn't there...in fact we were all there to support and wait for him...my dad.

I had a hard time being in that waiting room knowing he was helpless in a hospital bed going through what he is going through.

I went home last night and couldn't sleep. I put on Hillsongs preaching and listened to a guy talk about be overcomers in our thoughts. I was very encouraged and began to pray and worship for a few min. I felt a peace surround me during this time.

After those encouraging moments I went upstairs to shower and just began to pray more and become frustrated that we had to wait for results of MRI. I hate the waiting process, and was quickly brought back to the thought of being alone in the waiting room at the hospital wishing for my dad to have been there to encourage and lighten up the situation.

God soon spoke to me and said, "You are in the waiting room and I am with you...I am your heavenly father waiting with you and holding you."

I so needed that word and comfort from the Lord. Friends have been asking what they could pray for and I have simply said peace...peace to surround me. At that moment when God spoke to my heart I had a peace.

After my shower, Jason knew that I was up and took my hand and just prayed with me out loud. Prayed for his family, my family, for our mind to not be influenced by neg thoughts. That was a bonding moment with Jason that I will never forget. I soon fell asleep after that prayer.

These past few days have been very difficult. I hope that they figure out what is wrong with my dad and will make things better for him and our family. This is not easy, but Lord remain close and faithful to my family that we cannot deny that your hand isn't evident.

I am blessed and so grateful for friends and other family members who are so supportive. It is God's hands extended to us!

From Thursday through the weekend...no thanks for a repeat

I would be okay if I didn't repeat Thursday-Sunday. I think under normal circumstances, meaning if I wasn't carrying two babies at almost 35 weeks and caring for a three year old I wouldn't feel this way. However since I am irritable, uncomfortable, and anything sets me off....I can only handle so much.

Thursday at my 34 week appointment it was a bit difficult. We found out I have some protein coming from me and was slightly dehydrated. Which could be a fluke or could be a sign of preclampsia. When I went in for the non stress test, the babies weren't moving much so I had to have juice and lay there longer. I was so worried cause I have been feeling like they weren't moving and went to Labor and Delivery just a few weeks ago to be monitored for the same thing. Well, after sitting for forty five min...the babies moved and gave a good read for the dr. Only to find out that non of my contractions were monitored because the nurse put the circular reader on me wrong. I felt several stronger contractions and was a bit frustrated they couldn't be read on the monitor. Well I had to be okay with fact that the babies were showing good heart rates despite the protein being found, despite the slight dehydration, and the fact that no contractions could be detect from the monitor being put on wrong.

Shortly after my stress test I went in for an ultrasound and the tech couldn't find any pockets of fluid to test....and she couldn't find the membrane that separates the twins. I thought to myself...really no more scares please. I have been blessed with such great reports that I didn't want to start now with anything to be cautious about. After the tech tried for ten min...she called in the dr. Thankfully he found it as soon as the Doppler was placed on my stomach. Things began to look good and no concerns. I hated the scare but was grateful there were no major concerns as I left the hospital.

On to Friday where I started my twice a day shots. Not too bad, the only problem is making sure I get my shot as close to 12 hours apart as possible. Later that night, we went out to dinner for my grandmas birthday. That was so fun and I lasted about two hours which in my mind is great. The only bad part of that is my dad was suppose to come and couldn't. He had to be taken to the ER because he had been feeling dizzy for several days. I hate it when parents are sick or aren't themselves. I have been blessed at my parents age of mid 50's they haven't had any major health issues...so when I get a call that my dad is in the ER for dizziness, I was immediately worried. Thankfully after scan and blood work they think it's part of a virus, if he's not better in a few days he will have to go back.

On to Saturday. I love my husband and I love his work ethic....he had to work til 3:00 on Saturday so that meant I pretty much had Blake all day like any other work day. I don't mind that as long as I am feeling okay and have energy. However, feeling good and having energy do not go hand in hand the last couple weeks. I am used to Jason taking Blake for two hours on Saturday and Sunday so I can put my feet up and relax, so not having that this past Saturday really wore me out. I then took Blake to my parents to pick up dinner for them and spent about an hour or two there. We had fun just sitting and hanging out. While we were gone, the best part of my weekend was Jason putting together the crib that just came. I love it!

Here we are on Sunday. I didn't get much time to put my feet up today either. Which I am noticing is a need of mine as I end this twin pregnancy. Jason had to seed the yard and go to the mall. So that left me with Blake....he did take him to church with him which was a good break for me. I just hate that while I have Blake lately we watch TV. The other day I did do some crafts with him, but how I would love to be outside with him teaching him how to ride his bike. Anyways...Jason came home from the mall and Blake was just laying down for his nap. We began to watch some of the Cubs game when suddenly we heard a boom. Jason went downstairs and saw that the glass door to our kitchen shattered. It hasn't fallen to pieces yet but is shattered. Jason had to go order a new door. The thing I am more concerned about is it shattering and rain and wind .... nasty weather is suppose to be here tonight and tomorrow morning. I don't want rain in my house nor shattered glass all over the floor.

I think I am done venting. The only repeat I would have of this weekend would be celebrating my grandmas birthday and rejoicing in my baby furniture being delivered and being put together.

I still have a small list of things that need to be done before the babies get here:
1) Camera pictures cleared
2) Video camera cleared
3) Breathable bumpers/sheets put on cribs
4) Area organized for bottles/bibs/formula
5) Pack and play/bassinet/swing/bouncer brought upstairs
6) Baskets made up and ready with diaper/wipes/powder/lotion to be put in the family room so I don't have to go up and down stairs.

and I am sure there is more I am not thinking about.....

I think some of my furstation lies in the fact that we have three weekends left at the most before the babies come. I wanted to enjoy these weekends as a family. We weren't able to enjoy this weekend with fun family time and next Saturday Jason is gone with Blake to go see his parents so we won't have that weekend together. That leaves two weekends and one in which is Easter weekend.

If I could have it my way we would be outside as family, Blake laughing, swinging, playing on the slide and daddy and mommy sitting on the deck furniture enjoying Blake and talking while listening to the Cubs game. I would love to find time to go to the pet store with Blake and choo choo johnny's for lunch as a family.

I think I am just hormonal, drained, stressed, and overwhelmed with thoughts of what's to come.