Friday, April 8, 2011

Doesn't seem real

Life doesn't seem to be real right now....in fact I wish it wasn't. I wish what is unfolding in front of me was just a movie or nightmare. Unfortunately though it's not. I debated about journaling of my dad's battle with cancer, but feel as though it will be good for me to get what I am feeling out in the open.

I hate to add this phrase to my vocabulary, "my dad has cancer" It doesn't seem real, it shouldn't be happening to my family.

However every time I walk into that hospital room and see my dad laying there, it's reality that he is battling inoperable cancer. This week has been very hard and one that I never wanted to walk through.

Although it's been hard, the Lord has chosen to at moments come close and reassure me of his presence.

It's amazing to me that amidst all that my father has going on with his illness, he is the one cracking jokes and making everyone else laugh in the room. He is smiling and is always talking about us kids and our mom. He has never ever been about himself.

As I think about the road that is ahead of us and the changes that will occur, it's very hard to process.

I have had the privilege to live close to my family and be able to go there once aweek with Blake. Pop Pop would always watch TV with Blake in his chair and eat Cheez Its. It was their thing they did together. Then everytime we would leave, my dad would put Blake in the car and run with the car as I drove away....Blake would get the biggest laugh out of it. Sitting with them in Saturday night church was awesome. I always feel so blessed to sit side by side with my family in the church I grew up in. Blake would always want pop pop to hold him and then pick him up from class. I know these are little tings, but some of them are going to change.

I try to think of blessings through all of this and I can think that at least my dad will be able to finally rest. He has always worked hard labor jobs for money and just to volunteer. It's his turn to rest and for others to serve him. I am glad that in two weeks he will be able to hold his new grandson and granddaughter. It will be something very special for him and for me.

My dad has been my rock (first one at my door when my miscarriage happened), such a servant, sensitive to my needs, and very giving, eager to do any odd stuff around my house. I am anxious to see how God in return is that to Him and now as an adult I can be that to him as well.

4 comments:

Sara said...

My word girl...I have been praying for you and your strength. I can't imagine what you are feeling and struggling through. I know that God is faithful - you are so right on to point and and look for God's hand right where you are. He weeps as you weep, He walks where you walk. He won't ever leave you girl!! Praying for you all and your precious family and babies.

hamsterdancer said...

Sharon this made me cry! You and your family are such an amazing example of Jesus. I am lifting you and your family up every day in my prayers. Julie

hamsterdancer said...

sorry, I never use the blogger account I have but I just had to comment on this, you probably think I am a weirdo!

Sues said...

Covering you & your precious family in prayers of peace beyond all human understanding!!! It is nightmarish to watch your father go through something like this (my dad passed away 14 months after having a stroke on Valentine's Day my senior year of high school) - I totally understand your hurt right now. God has got this, and he's got all of you! *hugs*