sleepy eyes

Last night when I went to bed, I knew that I had to still read my Bible. I thought if I opened up the Bible and saw the words, my eyes would soon shut and I wouldn't have remembered anything I had read. I decided instead of watching the Real Wives of New York City Reunion, I would turn on the preaching channel. I saw this woman preaching a message that seemed to catch my attention.

There was one thing that stood out to me the most with an analogy that she did based on James when it talks about trials. She got out a camera and started to take pictures of the audience. She said that each of you in the audience has patience, love, kindness, self control,ex. deep down in you. She started taking pictures of people in the audience and then asked... where do I have to go to get the pictures developed...in a dark room. That's the same thing sometimes with the fruit of the spirit. We have to go through the dark room of trials and see that when we are done, we have developed love, kindness, patience, self control, ex. that already existed deep in us.

I loved that analogy especially with learning to be a mom...what patience I have to have for Blake, Jason, and myself in figuring out how this all works. I was encouraged and it gave me something to think about and pray about for myself. It helped me realize that I need to pray that those characteristics or fruits of the spirit within me would surface and soon help me to be a better friend, mother, wife, daughter, ex.

A little smirk

Today when I was nursing Blake he gave me a little smirk...I then had him unlatch and saw an even bigger smirk. Uh..priceless. We have spent our mornings nursing, singing "This is the day", reading a Bible story, and napping. The days aren't flying by yet...but more and more I am enjoying my time with Blake. I miss him when he is sleeping and wish I could just gobble him up. I love going in his room and seeing him lay in his crib and rest peacefully. His little arms and hands are above his head as he soundly sleeps. I look forward to the weekends, but it's no the same as when I wasn't a mom. I look forward to seeing Jason a little more and having him around the house. I only saw Jason for an hour last night...my time with him seems to be getting less and less. HOpefully that doesn't last long!

Fab 4

Four generations...Mom, me, Great Grandma Bea, and Blake. I can only hope Blake can create many memories with these two women as I have! I am blessed and so is Blake.

CD

Today is the first day I am alone with Blake since he has been born. He is three weeks old today and is growing! I started off the day with nursing Blake and saying a prayer for him and I. Blake started off his day with peeing on my sheets and spitting up on my pillow. Shortly after that, I put him in his crib and he slept a little. I straightened the house, got ready, ate breakfast, and did laundry....all in a matter of 45 minutes! Blake then woke up and I read him two books and played a worship CD for him. He fell asleep to the worship CD and as he laid there, I watched the video Jason took of when Blake was born. I feel like that time went by so fast and was such a blur. I wish I would have soaked that time in more when we were in the hospital and he just entered the world. I have to be careful (I am trying to tell myself) although I am tired and drained not to wish away these newborn months. What a challenge that is!

I would like to run to the store with him and see how I do. I am a bit nervous about taking him out on my own...but you don't know how you do until you try.

This evening we have a doctor's appointment for him to have his tongue looked at. I don't know if they will have the procedure done in the office today or we will have to make another appointment. I can't wait to be done with the doctor's office, I am there every week whether it's for Blake or me.

I miss time with my husband. It seems as though any "extra moments" we have, we are resting or cleaning the house. We don't see to have quality time together, but I am trying to not pressue him and be okay with the few moments we do have together.

Oh...we took Blake to church on Saturday night, and he did a great job. He slept the whole time and was such a good boy. He takes after his cousin Parker, Parker sits so well in church, it always impresses me.

Who was it meant for?

I spent half of Wednesday in the ER due to numbness and tingling in my arm and hand. They did a cat scan and blood work. They didn't find anything in the cat scan and my levels went up, but that just means to reduce the meds I am on. They decided to recommend me to a neurologist and he said that what I am experiencing is 99% sure it's carpal tunnel syndrome. He asked me to go into his office and do some tests. Today was the day....I went and had an EMG where they go and shock your arm and hands....not fun! Then they prick you with some needles...still not fun. At the end of the test, he still said I have carpal tunnel syndrome on both sides of my hands. He then suggested an MRI to make sure I didn't have a stroke or hemorrhage in my Brain. Well....I am claustrophobic, so the thought of going in a tunnel scared me. I on top of it, the thought of having something more serious wrong with me even more frightening. I went into the room where they were giving me the MRI and breathed several deep breaths. As I was preparing to be ushered into the tunnel, I remembered a verse that I had read to Blake while I was pregnant. I read it to him and prayed it for him...it was in Joshua and it says: Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid. As I had the 30 min. MRI I kept saying that verse over and over...I kept praying and singing worship songs. I felt myself relax a bit and made it through the MRI. Even better news is that the doc didn't find any stroke or hemorrhage or anything. Praise God. So that verse that I had read to Blake while he was in my belly, was it meant for me all along? I don't know, but what I do know is that God's word brought me comfort today!

My heart brakes

I love my little boy so much! I would do anything for him. I worry about him constantly and dream huge things for him. When the doctor told me to keep an eye on his lower lip, my heart sunk. The doctor doesn't know if it's a muscular problem or swollen. I notice when Blake smiles at times his lip lowers and sinks a bit...it doesn't stay symmetrical like it should. I can't help but keep in my mind and keep thinking of my son having some muscular problems. My fear is that it shows up in his lower lip now, and then more muscular problems down the road. I want to enjoy this life and this precious gift that God has given Jason and me, but it's so hard right now with everything going on. I have to know that every good and perfect gift comes from above. I have to lean on the Lord and know that I have done nothing wrong to cause Blake to have these problems, but this is part of how God has created him. I also can't let Satan steal the joy of the life that has been entrusted to me. What a lesson I am learning right now. Trust in the Lord when things are beyond your control. Find joy in circumstances when you don't have the power to change them. I hope I learn these lessons very soon and keep them with me through out the years that I raise Blake.

Realization and awful picture!

First of all, this is an awful picture of me, but the only one of my mom and I took together while in the hospital. This blog isn't about me...it's about my mother!

I had my mom stay with me Saturday through Wednesday. She did EVERYTHING. She took the initiative to clean my house, do laundry, bring me breakfast, cook me lunch, be my chauffeur, and give me emotional support.

I have had a hard recovery from my pregnancy. I found out I have two blood clots in my lungs, I am on Cumadin for 6 months and have to be careful of what I eat. I love salads, and that is on my list of things high in vitamin K, which I cannot have. On top of that, I have an infection from nursing. My mom was up with me all night trying to massage the infection out and putting warm towels on it. There was a point in the evening where I was in so much pain, I was so out of it, just closing my eyes laying in bed, and she embraced me and held me. She prayed for me and comforted me as I was hurting and so frustrated. She would get up and change Blake. She would get new pj's and blankets because he wet through the ones he was wearing. She oraganized his closet, she put baskets together of things I would need so I didn't have to go up and down the stairs or get out of bed alot. I would get 4 hours of sleep, and my mom would get even less than that. Then the next morning she was up helping around the house. I would get up to do something and she would tell me sit down and she would do it for me. She would let me sleep in as she bathed Blake and took care of household chores.

There are so many other things she did, but I have to say that I realized through the time she spent with me, her unselfish love she has for me as a mother. I can't imagine the love she had for me as a child. I wish I would have realized this sooner and expressed my appreciation to her and her sacrifices she made for me.

Mom, I owe you so much, yet I could never know how to repay you for all you have done for me as a child, teenager, and as an adult. I am sorry for the many times I did not show my appreciation and love back towards you. Thank for giving to me unconditionally and loving me with flaws. I love you so much, and grateful that God gave you to me as my mother!

Love you much!